DETERMINING HONESTY ON THE INTERNET

With so many people asking the same question - perhaps now is the time to

closely examine how to tell if the person you are dealing with on the "net"

is, in fact, the person they are purporting to be. But how? How do we

determine this? If we come out and blatantly interrogate them, they will no

doubt be offended. On the other hand, this micro-scrutiny may well be what

we have to resort to - and in turn, we must be prepared to subject ourselves

to the same. Still, a cunning and masterful liar will jump through any hoops

to satisfy their goal - so, after some thought, I have put together, based

on my own experiences and insights, a list of possible ways to determine if

you are dealing with an Honest person.

1. Listen To Them!

I cannot stress enough the importance of really "listening" to the person

you are dealing with. Of course, the notion of "listening" to someone's

words on the screen is ridiculous - but if you consider that in the sense

they are "speaking" to you - this makes perfect sense. Do they sound too

good to be true? We'd all really like to believe the person we are coming to

enjoy knowing and speaking with is exactly as they say they are. We want

nothing more than to take them at face value. But reading these stories we

find often that the real-deal is the exception rather than the rule. Read

what they are writing - pin them down on "iffy" details - if they refuse to

be pinned, or remain evasive, consider that a RED FLAG and proceed with

caution!

2. Does it Make Sense?

What if you are left with questions that, in your mind, really don't make

sense - but the person you are speaking with has a quick explanation. Ask

yourself, more than once - is it really believable? For example - "I'd love

to meet you soon.. but I have some details or personal matters to take care

of first" should provide a RED FLAG. While none of us wants to pry or probe

for information, we have to ask ourselves "what kind of personal details or

matters are so important that preclude this person from being able to meet

me?". Do you have to ask online permission first to call someone? If so,

that is a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really

"free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is it possible the person

you are dealing with is still married? While it is true that many people

looking for love on-line may still be married, and dealing with the

aftermath of terminating their marriages - it's important to establish this

well in advance of involving yourself with someone else. Most people

understand that often, marriages can take time to end - that doesn't make

the person any less available, as long as you can clarify details, and this

can be accomplished by calling them at their home (once you have established

a comfortable rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers).

Call when they aren't expecting your call - do they have an answering

machine? Who's voice is on it? Are they secretive, do they speak in hushed

tones or are they angry or upset that you called without notice? These are

pretty good indications that your unexpected call was not as welcome as you

would have liked. If this is the type of response your surprise phone call

receives, be prepared for some fancy footwork from the other person when

they finally do hook up with you, while they explain the reasons for their

reaction. Fancy footwork usually involves weaving a tale that on it's

surface - sounds plausible, but little else. Do it again! If your first

surprise phone call wasn't as welcome as you would have liked, do it again!

If you get the same kind of reaction - you can draw your own conclusions.

Make these calls at different times. This does not mean harass anyone! But a

couple of calls spread out over the span of a week or two certainly do not

equal harassment. After all.. this is someone who is supposedly very

interested in you.

3. Current Photos!

With the issue of dishonesty or deception as to the other person's actual

weight or age clearly being one of the main issues of Honesty - how do we

accomplish the goal of finding out if they're telling the truth? I won't

begin to discuss the issues surrounding why weight, etc., is so important..

suffice it to say - if you're telling the truth about yourself, then it

doesn't matter. On the other hand, if you want to base a relationship on

dishonesty, and the person you are speaking with has a clear idea as to your

weight - and you're lying - why do you think you deserve to have any kind of

relationship at all? Often, people will try to put off that inevitable first

meeting for as long as possible when they are being dishonest about weight.

The logical thinking behind this is that for as long as they can delay this,

they will make every effort to lose this weight. Of course, this is

ludicrous on it's surface as weight loss takes a long time, and people who

haven't started a diet aren't likely going to be able to manage substantial

weight loss to their own satisfaction in this time frame. But how do you

know what they Really look like? Old pictures often tell a thinner or

younger story - and we can be stunned or shocked to go to meet the person in

the old picture, and find the real person - who we didn't even recognize!

There are no shortage of excuses for "why" people don't have current

pictures.. "I don't have a scanner", "I don't have a camera", "I haven't

gotten the pictures scanned yet", "I don't have time" .. Let's be real here.

Any photocopy service in this day and age does photo scanning. They charge

an average of $10 (and that's judging from prices of about a year ago) and

it takes less than an hour. With the emergence on the marketplace of

low-cost personal scanners, we all probably know someone who has a scanner.

No current picture? Nobody to take one for you? Heck, there's no shortage of

places you can get a picture taken. I once resorted to asking the guy at the

store where I buy my bottled water to take my picture, handing him my

polaroid. If you aren't being dishonest about yourself, chances are, you

have a current picture or have the means to get one. How do we know if it's

a current picture? That indeed seems to be the big question here. The best

idea I had (and this is lame, I know) is to hold up the day's newspaper (not

in front of you, but just off to the side). Sure, the actual date will be

impossible to read - but the day's headline sure won't be hard to miss!

4. The Scammers!

When you read these stories, you'll see that indeed, it is possible now to

meet up with someone who isn't interested in you at all, but rather what you

can do for them or what they can take from you. Too bad they're there -

until we can find a means to stop them, the best we can do is protect

ourselves. How do you know if someone is out to "con" you? Let's look at the

theory behind "cons" or "confidence" people. That's how they work isn't it?

The put you at ease immediately, they agree with everything you say, they

pour out undying and heartfelt emotions almost immediately. How is it

possible?? How can they "love" you almost immediately without ever having

met you? I've heard the lamest arguments on this point "well what about in

the olden days with pony express? People met, fell in love and married that

way all the time!" Uh huh.. hellooo! This is not the 1800s.. we have the

means, we have the technology - why would ANYONE make this kind of argument

to validate their feelings for someone else? If you defend that train of

thought - I'll expect to see your story here sooner or later. The fact is -

"LOVE" is not possible without physically meeting someone or spending time

in getting to know them. I will not argue that infatuation is possible, or

that feelings of joy, contentment and overwhelming desire are possible. But

the "connection" between two people who have not met, or have spoken for

less than a month online is not. Why the rush to love? These people aren't

going anywhere.. I can certainly understand the feelings of loneliness and

the wonder and joy of being "in love" and having someone who "loves" you in

return. It's Wonderful!! But.. it takes a bit of time. Anyone Who tells you

they love you within the first week or so of knowing you online is a liar!.

There, I've said it - it's out. Would you believe anyone who, in real life,

told you they loved you if they'd just met you the week before? No way! Same

rules apply here. NOT POSSIBLE. When and if you hear those three little

words that mean so much, step back. Step back hard and tell them you are

doing just that. If it's "real" or "true" love, it will last forever and

stand the test of time, and they will respect that you question your

feelings and thiers. If it's still "love" after a few weeks or a month -

meet and meet soon!! You will know when you meet in person if what you felt

online is what you feel for them in person.

5. Why Meet Soon? - Let's face it - the internet provides us several unique

opportunities to meet a great number of people from one "site". Personals

sites list several thousand people each - chat rooms give them the chance to

interact - e-mail affords them the privacy to correspond with several people

at once. If you have the means to meet people who live far away - wonderful!

When you meet that "special someone" and you feel very strongly for them,

and you believe that they are honest and genuine - meet them soon! Find out

before you make emotional investments if they are the same in person as they

were online. Spare yourself the agony of allowing yourself to "feel" for

them online, to live for their letters, only to find out that you were not

the only one, or that your online feelings did not translate "in real life"

when you met them face to face and found out that really, the spark was not

there. Be true to yourself, if you do not have the means to sustain a long

distance relationship - don't pursue one. Yes, I know, you will have to make

yourself wait longer to meet someone from a closer area, but too many have

already invested heavily in trips they could ill afford only to find

disappointment and deception on the other end.

6. Background Checks - There are services that I have recently found - that

cater especially to those of looking for love on the internet. They are

extremely affordable - and for a minimal price - you can find out some

things about the person you are becoming interested in - even if these

aren't things you really wanted to know. I've placed a link to them at the

top of this page - as well as on the Invaluable Links page. Check them out -

this is a good resource.

7. Summing Up - In Summary - I have addressed my thoughts on how to tell if

people are honest. They include 1. Listen to them! Watch for stories or

aspects about them that sound "iffy" or evasive. Press them for details and

stand firm if they try to lead the conversation away from those details! 2.

Get a Current Photo! It's tough to ask someone to take a picture holding a

newspaper - but if they are who they say they are - you need only explain to

them you've "been there, done that" with others who were deceptive or

dishonest - and you just really need to know, that it's not personal. If

they take it personally, there is yet another RED FLAG for you to pay

attention to! 3. Take Your Time! If they seem to have fallen in love with

you almost immediately - Step Back!. Why are they telling you so soon that

they love you? Why the rush to love? Sure, we all love being in love - but

why the rush? If it's meant to be it will last forever.. TAKE YOUR TIME!

They aren't going anywhere and if they are, you should be worried anyway! 4.

Meet Them Soon! Do not allow yourself to make a sizeable emotional

investment in anyone that isn't able to meet you! People who delay or put

off that first meeting, it would seem, have something to hide. Insist on

meeting them within a month of meeting them online. Allow yourself that

month to get to know them and determine if after that month, you still feel

for them. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet them in person to see if

it's really "love". Be kind to yourself. If they're the right person -

nothing you could ask them would put them off. If they've spent any time on

the net - they've had similar experiences and Should Be Asking The Same of

You!! And if they're not - perhaps you should wonder why...5. Background

Checks - This is accessible to you - if you have ANY RED FLAGS - use the

service above or one like it. You can be sorry for something you didn't do

for a very long time - using common sense is something you'll never regret.